Oregon Magazine


Just in from NASA:
Santa Clause Lives in New Jersey, now  

December 30, 2011 -- Satellite photographs taken by the CIA on Christmas Eve of 2011 indicate that  the North Pole is now located in New Jersey.   Magnetic North Pole shifts have been known to science, of course, but this geographic shift is news.  It is, according to non-British  climatologists, colder for liberals in Boston than it was in 1776.  (You can see frozen bags of tea in the harbor in these photos.) Some credit all this to continental drift, but later data indicates political drift is the cause.  New England, once the source of the emergence of freedom, and where the ancient tradition of casting tea into the sea was invented, for decades drifted to the Left, searching for the Holy Bureaucrat predicted in the works of Alec Baldwin and Jane Fonda.

Yet, just as in the days of the Roman Empire, a savior has emerged there in the heart of blue-blood imperial decadence, not far from where John Kerry's giant sailboat is docked.

Long during recent decades, have American Patriots bemoaned the inroads of the followers of the trinity (Lenin, Waxman and Pelosi) in the holy realm of the Thirteen Colonies.  Then, when all seemed lost, came the rise of the Tea Parties, and this reincarnation of Santa Clause -- the new Kris Kringle.  On December 24, 2011, we learned from space that the sleigh containing the presents of freedom for all the homes of the Earth lifted off from the governor's mansion which was built, of all places, on top of the former home of Marlon Brando.  Thus are the prophecies fulfilled, and the gangsters of the Left overturned from dark to light, from despair to hope, by the emergence of good from the shadows of evil.

Enlargements of the satellite images clearly show the driver of the sleigh was a very large man with a fondness for baked goods. The vehicle was being pulled by eight deer-like animals named Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Paine, Lincoln, MLK (oddly enough, a registered Republican), Reagan and Laffer -- plus a leader called Rush, who had a very shiny, probably electrically-powered, nose.  New technology that allows such space devices to capture the print on a license plate from orbit, produced the generation of such pixel-depth that the face of the driver could be clearly seen. 

Kris Kringle is Chris Christie, the world's largest elf.

Thus did modern science -- mostly peopled by secularists with the attitudes of Uriah Heep -- prove again that out of the progressive landfills of "modern" America, a beautiful tree of truth has emerged, and beneath it may be found gifts for those who treasure above all things the founding rewards for everyone who during these decades of the dark side of the force have maintained Constitutional faith.

The message is clear for those with the eyes to see:  2012 is a beginning, not an ending.  From the darkest place on the planet, except for Chicago and the People's Revolutionary Socialist Democratic Republic of Oregon, something good for all the world, has emerged.  (Dimensional analysis indicates he prefers chocolate chip cookies, so remember that next Christmas.)


© 2011 Oregon Magazine