Oregon Magazine

The Formula for Perfect Government

October 31st, 2010 -- Scientists at the world's only conservative university, whose mid-west location is a closely-guarded secret, have discovered that a formula from classical physics can be used to define the proper parameters of governmental action in a given national economy.  First the classic formula, then the application of that formula which provides our answer:

gravitational constant = 6.67300 × 10-11 m3 kg-1 s-2

Q: Given the needs of the average American citizen, and where "g" represents the most effective  amount of government which will have a positive effect on that goal, we will use no government as the baseline start, and infinite government (as in the presence of a current wife) as an approximate of real pain.  What, then, is the proper size of the IRS g-cup?

A:  The proper quantity for  "g" (government) in the formula is recognized by substituting for "gravity," annual taxation levels as a percentage of GDP, where "m" is the amount of cash you have in your pocket before a visit to Las Vegas.  Then, you divide that by "kg," where  this term represents: "how much of the cash does the king get?  (This is known as the Obama Factor, and is the numerical total of all government revenues after April 15th, times the top speed of the Air Force One getaway jet, squared.)

At last, this argument between conservatives and liberals can be settled by science, and we can all look forward to an economic revival in America.

© 2010 Oregon Magazine