There has been great gnashing of teeth in “progressive” circles of late over “Christian Dominionist Theology.”
MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow has warned that much
of the Republican presidential field embraces this
startling, seditious sect of extreme fundamentalism.
She’s breathlessly warned that Christian Dominionists
“believe they have a direct line to God” and intend to
“clear the way for the [end of the world]…by
infiltrating and taking over government.”
The Daily Beast/Newsweek chimes the
tocsin with a hard-hitting, brilliantly penned – though
deeply disturbing to all who love freedom –
investigative piece headlined: “A Christian Plot for
Author Michelle Goldberg warns that Mrs. Bachmann and Mr. Perry are deeply entrenched in a “little-known movement of radical Christians” who are preparing “an army of God” to “commandeer civilian government.”
But it gets worse. It’s
much bigger than all that.
God as the
Kyle Mantyla with the atheist group
“People for the American Way” has been warning for
months now that this organized craze of underground
Christians plan “to take dominion over, literally, seven
specific facets of modern life in order to wrest control
away from Satan and his demonic spirits so that
Christians can put them to use in bringing about God’s
kingdom on Earth.”
Now, you may laugh. You may think
these anti-Christian “Dominioners” like Maddow, Goldberg
and Mantyla – these fearless progressives risking all to
sound the alarm on the rising threat of Christian
Dominionism – are just a bunch of liberal, tinfoil
You might believe they’re merely a left-wing gaggle of tattooed, body-pierced pot-brownie pies in pajamas, no different than 9/11-truthers, global-warmers or Holocaust-deniers.
Oh, you may suppose these
liberal Dominioners – daring beyond measure – are
simply a batty band of anti-Christian bigots and
Daily-Kos-, MSNBC-types looking to smear Rick Perry,
Michele Bachmann and other GOP presidential hopefuls
as a bunch of clandestine theocrats bent on Christian
They’re right. It’s true--all
of it. Stop snickering. Stop it, this is serious!
I can no longer toe the line. I can no longer remain
silent while my Christian Dominionist brethren,
numbering in the tens-of-millions, deny our very
existence. What exactly is Dominionism?
Heard of the Illuminati? Skull and Bones Society?
They are pansies in
Well, Dominionism is kind of like
that except, whereas those pseudo-“subversive” societies
are merely “super-secret” – Christian Dominionism is
level-nine “super-duper-secret,” sealed in blood with
the whole “hope to die,” “thousand needles” thing to
emphasize we mean business!
Dominionism’s ultimate goal? Christian New World Order or bust, baby!
I’ll get to the manifesto
part, but first, some housekeeping: Liberal
Dominioners – though remarkably accurate in spite of
so very little “actual information” – are way off on
one thing. They think Dominionism was launched decades
ago by the likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and
Dominionism Theology was, in point
of fact, the supernaturally-breathed,
prophetically-inspired vision of Big Chimney West Virginia’s very
own Floyd “Snorty” Flubinowitz. (Snorty’s Taxidermy,
LLC, corner of 9th and Vine behind the Piggly
Wiggly.) All hail Snorty!
(Wyatt Earp founded the Big
Whiskey, Wyoming Dominionist group)
Central to Dominionist Theology are the “7 Mountains of Influence” wherein Dominionist Theologians encourage Christians – Christians! – to positively influence our culture by getting involved in (1) Arts and Entertainment; (2) Business; (3) Education; (4) Family; (5) Government; (6) Media; and (7) Religion.
No, seriously; we intend to “go and
make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the
name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy
Spirit,” and we’re scheming to deliberately defy the
ACLU, leaving our potluck dinners to grow cold while we
impetuously wander off church grounds to do it.
I know, right?
But it doesn’t end there. Liberal
Dominioners – vigilant as they are – don’t know the half
of it. They’ll be horrified to learn that there are
actually “8 Mountains of influence” (Snorty kept
one to himself in case the other seven were discovered);
“6 Pyramids of Supremacy”; and, “32 Molehills of Utter
Moreover… crud, my word count’s
going over. Um – the manifesto, right. Well, here it
is basically: “Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you…” or be summarily waterboarded.
© 2011 Matt Barber
(Mr. Barber, who here proved a lawyer can in
emergencies recognize satire, is an attorney
concentrating in constitutional law.)